The failed "not someone I would hookup with" compliment
August 24, 2024
Should a man accept a woman who tells him "he is not someone" she would hookup with but would marry?
A Reddit poster claiming (or presumed) to be a woman feared she had destroyed her relationship by telling her boyfriend of 2.5 years just that.
Here's the post in its entirety
I think I destroyed our relationship trying to compliment my boyfriend
My boyfriend and I are both 28 years old and together for 2.5 years. Yesterday night we were drinking and one thing led to another and I tried to compliment him by saying he is not someone who I would hookup or be a fwb with but marry. I thought everything was fine but he seemed extremely distraught after that. I realized how he understood it and tried to clarify it but he is still the same this morning. He told me he needs space to think for a while and left the house. All my friends tell me I messed it up and guys tell me it’s not a compliment and most men will understand it differently. I think I destroyed our relationship and I am panicking right now.
The post sparked debate regarding the woman's words and the man's reaction to them.
There are caveats to consider:
- The post may be a complete fabrication for trolling purposes.
- Even assuming it is a true story, we don't know the exact words of the woman, nor what her boyfriend heard. All we have is her description of how she remembers saying whatever she said.
- Most commenters assume that the boyfriend reacted to the part of him not being someone she would hookup with but it's possible he was equally or more taken aback by marriage talk.
Most male commenters I have seen are of the opinion that the guy should leave because the woman isn't really into him.
Most female commenters find that notion ridiculous since she said that he is the kind she would marry - a much bigger commitment.
More than/better than vs less than/not even
Part of the debate surrounds the woman's wording, which has been pored over by commenters as if it is the Second Amendment of the U.S. constitution:
"I tried to compliment him by saying he is not someone who I would hookup or be a fwb with but marry."
Most women argue that the emphasis should be on her stating that she would marry him. That, to them, places the guy well above hookups and friends with benefits in importance. Hence, it truly is a compliment.
Most men look at this ranking very differently. A hookup is an almost non-conditional zero-commitment engagement. A free ticket to Poundtown. Why, then, do those other types of men deserve that free ticket when the man she claims to be open to marry does not?
Logic vs emotion
It is perhaps a case of logic versus emotion.
The logic is simple.
She would hookup with "someone" - let's call that "someone" Type A.
She would not hookup with other someones, like her boyfriend - let's call that Type B.
Given the superficial nature of a hookup, Type A men thus possess characteristics that Type B men do not. There is something about Type A that appeals to a woman that Type B does not possess.
As an example, Guy B sees Woman at a bar. He tries to initiate a conversation with her but she quickly turns him down by saying she's just out to have fun with her girlfriends. Two hours later Guy B sees Woman leaving the bar with Guy A. Presumably, Woman saw something in Guy A that was missing in Guy B.
(One of my favorite romance movies - Definitely, Maybe - handles the issue of a woman sleeping around while ultimately pining for a specific man pretty cleverly:
))
The female commenters instead focus on the emotional aspect of the attempted compliment. Just because a guy earns hookup status doesn't mean he brings her much value other than being Mr. Right Now, as opposed to the "someone" who is Mr. Right.
In their view, men who don't understand the difference are just insecure and perhaps need to grow up and mature.
Male insecurity - or rational fear?
What women often label male insecurity is perhaps better described as fear.
Fear is a wide-ranging emotion. Fear of physical harm. Fear of financial devastation. Fear of ridicule.
Fear of disloyalty.
When your girlfriend tells you she's engaged in hookups or has had friends-with-benefits but you're not the type of man of man she would do it with you may find it hard not to worry about whether - or when - she'll again succumb to the type of man she does do those things with.
The logic described above leads to an emotion that is not easily offset by the emotional thrust of the attempted compliment.
There's a good reason for that.
Where women have it easy and men don't
Most men who want to have sex have to work for it.
Most women who want to have sex have to show up for it.
I suspect most women for these reasons simply don't understand why it matters what guys and how many guys they hookup with. To them, it's so easy that perhaps it doesn't make sense to them that it could matter.
It likely also doesn't matter to the men those women hookup with. Those men are likely to validate the women's opinion that men who worry about those things are silly, and weak, and - again - insecure.
The guy's reaction was wrong
Regardless of what the woman said in her attempted compliment the guy should not have reacted the way he did. His emotional reaction, not her words, is what really damaged the relationship.
He could have - and should have - just let her attempted compliment slide by and then mull over its deeper meaning some other time. Instead he let his emotions dictate his reaction. That's not good.
Even if the relationship survives this failed attempt at compliment the woman will have to walk on eggshells, constantly wondering if the wrong words, even when intended as a compliment, will once again make the guy crash out.
(It is possible that there is something about how the two of them became a couple to begin with that made her attempted compliment fail especially hard)
The most valuable thing
The most valuable thing a woman can do for a man is carry his child. It's not only a commitment to more than nine months of increasing physical and mental discomfort (accompanied by health risks) but also a lifetime of caring for and worrying about that child.
And for the man, the child means an exit from the Darwin Award contest by fulfilling the man's biological purpose.
So while the attempted compliment didn't stick the landing she wasn't exactly wrong.
